The End

[faeriewings1781]

So a lot of you here on Dreamwidth know what happened last night, but I still need to process it, and put it somewhere so I have a record of it. Things happened so quickly last night, and afterwards all I wanted was to bury myself in the Robas and pretend things hadn't happened. Which is a total Victoria tactic, but they do say that sometimes you put yourself in your characters...lol.

Anyway. So Valerie and I are no longer friends. That's the bare bones of it. I shared a very important story with her in trying to explain what's been causing me (mostly) to stay away from her. I don't know how many times I can type out taht story without crying again, so I'm not going to talk about that. I just... I can't. Maybe ask me in a day or two?

The nuts and bolts of it was that she was far too obsessed with RPing The Mortal Instruments with me, and right now, especially after last night, I can't have myself bombareded with that fandom. I love it dearly, and I will always love that fandom. But with the realization I made last night about the real reason I was able to get into it, I just can't right now. And when I tried to explain that to her, I was sure to tell her that it wasn't anything she, personally, was doing. Because if you definitely at least don't say that, she'd take it wrong.

It back fired on me. Big time. Instead of comforting me, and reassuring me that this pain associated with this fandom and Mama Kat would go away eventually, she made it all about her, and that's what I felt tipped the scale towards leaving. I finally realized that no matter WHAT my problems were, she was going to find some way to make them about her.

With the trial coming up, and the raw of emotion of the one year anniversary with Mama Kat...I Just don't need a friend who can turn anything into something about her. I need someone who will just listen, and respect that not everything is about her. It was the hardest damn thing I had to do telling her, and admitting to myself, even that I was having trouble enjoying The Mortal Instruments!!

But now the rush back to Nostalgia makes more sense. Too much shit changed over the year. First with Mama Kat passing so suddenly, then the end of The Mortal Instruments series itself....with Yu gi oh, my Robas and Victoria were exactly the same as I remembered them. Victoria was still always just wavering on insane, Christien was still fighting to keep her sane, and protect her, Espa and Jonathan were still being elder brothers... Kaiba was still being reluctant...you get me?

I just really needed to find them again, and be reminded what it was like NOT to have something remind me of anyone. Yu gi oh, at it's core, gave me some of my closest friends, and a lot of you, I still talk to. Maybe not nearly as often as I'd like anymore, but I try. But I was into it deep before I met most of you. Some of you I met strictly because of certain Yu gi oh characters. You know who you are. And Victoria definitely wouldn't be who she is without certain people. My only regret in this fandom is that in the FANFIC verse, I've lost contact with one of my favorite people, and now that I'm posting more Roba fics in a few months, I'd really like to let her see what I ended up doing with them. I took a simple concept she had, and just ran wtih it. (With her blessing, of course! She reviewed my first Roba fic, and helped me with some of the finer points of the younger Robas' personalities. So while I take credit for them, I never forget that she helped me. I just miss talking to her now that I've gotten that far.)

Anyway, I'm about to finish up the epilogue of the final Wyatt-centric fanfic for Yu gi oh, and then I probably will take a long break from writing to focus on RPGing. Just to get that sense of "Okay, yeah, I can still do this...with or without Valerie". Okay.

Trivia: Victoria shares a birthday with insaneladybug because her first appearance in fanfic was posted for Daisy on October 3rd. (It was her birthday present!)

Comments

[skinwalker]

i think you made the right choice, and it was very brave and mature of you to do so. :) and I'm glad this entry was able to give you closure!

kinda noticed that everything was always about her, even just from hearing you talk about it in plurk and seeing her comment on Facebook. :/ you were doing well on NaNo? she tried to make you feel bad about it because SHE was blocked. you were sick? she tried to make you feel bad about not talking with her. Her comments always came off as kinda PA or guilt-trippy to me, just in the typing style, like she'd say something like "I miss you...." or "I'm glad you're getting so much writing done...." that's just from an outsider's perspective though, and it certainly doesn't matter now xD

Fandom is something that should be there to help you when things in life get rough, and if it's doing the opposite, you're doing the right thing by taking a break! it doesn't mean you don't love The Mortal Instruments, it just means that YGO is what's healthy for you right now :) and it's not like you would have stopping talking to her just because of that, but I guess she just couldn't even try to understand your feelings.

and I know for sure you can RP without her! Just look at all you've done with Farkle! o3o

anyways, ily and you're awesome :')

[faeriewings1781]

Yeah, I'm seeing that now. And I'm glad. I wish I had done it in November, but probably a good idea that I didn't! The only thing I regret is that a few months ago, she got me an autographed book by another author I really love, and now I'm probably never going to get it. :( But that's just an object. And I'm sure that my other friend Lissa will try and get it for me eventually cause she lives in CA too.

And fandoms.. they've always kinda been my "Okay, fuck you life, I'm visiting the Robas" kinda thing. Maybe nto always the Robas, but certainly right now! I never just talked to anyone over ONE Fandom, but she was obsessed with RPing The Mortal Instruments, and even though we'd occasionally talk about other things, it always came back to that.

Farkle just doesn't know when to quit. LOL. I deliberately picked him up at GL because I needed to play him somewhere and did not want to play him with Valerie's Riley or Maya because she does not tag regularly, and I hate hanging threads. It's my biggest issue with Journal RPGs, and for a while that was why I stopped RPGing in Journals. And with Farkle being so damn loud... I didn't want to leave him hanging like she would have done. Yet, Lissa now wants me to try and bring him into one of her AC-free games So I'll think about it after I'm not so raw from my break off from Val.

ily too! Thanks for being awesome, yourself!!

[needlemouse]

Kaden, as always, put things into much better words than I ever could.

That said: someone who turns everything into being about them is not a friend, and never really was. Friends care about each other, friends can put themselves aside and be there for each other when times get rough.

She was not your friend, and I'm glad she's gone.

Hang in there, Zie. You can do just fine without her. :)

[faeriewings1781]

As I said last night, Kay. I was starting to see the difference between her and what my other friends were like after you and I started talking more. I had Outgrown her, I think, and maybe that was it too. Just one more damn change in my life to have her taken out of it. But it was a change I made, so maybe it won't be as bad.

And I will be fine without her. This wasn't my first "break up" with a friend, even though it wasn't planned (like the other one wasn't planned), I think I was probably ready anyway.

[sarajayechan]

What Kay and Kaden said. Anyone who can turn your sour times into being all about them is just selfish and awful. As someone who used to be that kind of person, I know very well how shitty that is and I'm sorry Valerie kept pulling that on you.

And fandom is NOT an obligation. Ever. It should be a hobby, something that makes you happy.

[traitortoheaven]

I always knew you had it in you to move away from her and I've always known you deserve better. The warning signs went off when you told me she was like your personal BR, to be honest. Once BR and myself fell through, I really did want you to get the hell away from her all the more.

But ultimately, only you could decide that for yourself and I'm honestly glad you did. For all the good times you had with her, she was dragging you down. You'd be having an excellent day and then she'd do something to upset you because she's a selfish piece of shit. That's not a friendship, that's her selfishly holding your emotions for ransom. And you are so kind, so giving and full of love--you deserve much more than her. You always have, you always will.

As a side note, why am I not surprised that she, just like BR, turned your grieving over my mother into a pity party for herself? She really fucking is BR jr, and good riddance to bad rubbish. Now you can focus on YOU and things YOU need to do to heal from everything, because I know you have many regrets.