faeriewings1781: (Default)
So you know how you can live with someone for years and years and think things are fine? Ha. That's an illusion. I once told Kay that my family and I were very close and didn't have any problems. Guess what? I lied. Okay, I didn't lie, perse. I just didn't know how bad things were. Mom and Daddy C. Oh, whoops. CAL had done such a good job at not arguing in front of me. Well, tonight a lot of shit came out about how Cal really feels about me and Daniel. And it was much more painful than I ever thought I could feel.

Hazel Grace Lancaster in the Fault in Our Stars was often asked on a scale of 1-10 how she rated her pain. When Augustus died, she admitted that she had been saving her "10". Well, I must have been saving my 10, too. I am in SO much pain right now. The sheer amount of hurtful things he said to Mom about me and Daniel....I would have never guessed he actually felt that way towards me.

I guess I should probably start by saying that the argument, as usual, started out being about Daniel. Daniel couldn't handle the job at Wal-Mart, and was fired. Personally, I don't think he can keep a job. Every job he's had he's lost within a month for stupid reasons. It's always Daniel, and never anyone else. I am beginning to feel that Daniel may be one of the every three people that can't hold a job due to his ADHD and Anxiety. Cal doesn't want to face up to that. And I know Mom doesn't either, but that's just a theory I have. I'm not a doctor, so I am not saying that's really the case. But I digress.


This led to a huge blow up between Mom and Cal because Daniel didn't talk to Cal today like he said he wa going to. Mom didn't want to be in the middle of them anymore, and honestly, I get it. Daniel's twenty years old. He should be able to talk to Cal about what really happened. But the way Cal handled things...ugh.

Usually when they start arguing, I tune out. But I already had a pretty bad headache so I had turned off my music, and didn't have time to turn it back on before the yelling and accusations started. I also found out how Nick (Cal's son) really feels about us. He tolerates us. What the fuck. After EVERYTHING I did to promote his band. After he bought me the ukelele... and after I named one of my core characters in my first ever novel after him, and based his character on him! What. The Fuck. I am so....ugh. I can't even right now. I am having a really hard time processing all of this.

There is also Cal himself. He basically said that me and Daniel were not welcome to come to Florida with him and Mom, KNOWING I cannot live by myself. And said things like, "What you want them both hanging off your tits till you're 80?" and basically gave Mom an ultimatum, which really pissed me off because Tom (my first stepfather) did the same thing.

Yet, the thing that hurt the most for me was that he doesn't want to be called Daddy C anymore. He doesnt' want to be anyone's Daddy. I've been calling him that for almost a decade. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

The good news is that Baymax is on his way to me, and that will help, greatly.
faeriewings1781: (Default)
So I haven't written a real entry in here in ages, and I'm sorry about that. I mostly don't do writing when all I'm going to do is whine about personal stuff. But I need some where to put some of this pent up stress, so here it goes.

I am greatly worried about my brother Daniel. He has been living with "depression" for almost 2 months. And I put it in quotes because I'm honestly not sure if he's truly depressed or using it as a cover to be allowed to sleep all day knowing that Daddy C won't push him for fear of driving him to suicide. But either way. Things are not right with this boy (yes, boy, even though he is 20). He's staying up all night, sleeping all day, and putting his family second yet again. It's to the point Mom doesn't even want to give him money for Christmas shopping, because she's afraid he'll spend it on Weed.

Yes that is something he does. He has gotten pretty bad about it ever since Cellular Sales let him go over a technicality. He'll be back there again in April, but that's a long time not to do anything. -sigh- I just don't really know what to do, or if I can really do anything, to be honest.

All I know is it is putting a strain on Mom and Cal's marriage, and that's making me feel anxious, and I don't do good with anxiety. And at least I've gotten to the point where I'm not wanting to throw up every time things get tense. (Thank you, Remeron!) But I just... this is the freakin' holidays! Things shouldn't be this intense, and strained right now. Or ever, but especially not right now.

Not to mention, the trial is going on for the accident that took my second mother away from last year, so I'm stressing about that, and trying to hold it together for Lexi, and that family. I can't be strong for both families, though, and eventually, I am expecting a breakdown. If I don't get it, then I will thank my medicine some more, because it really has helped a lot.

The holidays are depressing for me sometimes now because of the losses I've suffered. My grandparents are all gone, I lost my best best friend almost 2 years ago (my cat, Murphy. And yes even though he is "just an animal" he really was my baby, and I loved him dearly. )And now Mama Kat is gone, too, and it just feels like the loss is never ending.

If I could ever figure out how to put pictures in this thing, I would put some of hte ones of Baymax I have been drawing. He just needs to be experienced by anyone who is suffering or in pain. That kind of pain is really hard to come to terms with. Baymax does a great job of healing Hiro in the movie Big Hero 6. I just want to snuggle him dearly.

Dreams...

Sep. 27th, 2014 07:32 pm
faeriewings1781: (Default)
I hate this stupid medication so much. I am having the worst dreams possible. Not all of them are bad, but most of them are just downright weird. I keep having dreams where I'm within a world that isn't mine. I mean... I'm with family, but there are all these secrets about the reality of the situation. It's just.....ugh.

The morning before, I yelled at Mom to shut up when all she was doing was sneezing. She also heard me yelling at Simon from the Mortal Instruments. I don't know why. I do find that to be very amusing. So strange, too.
faeriewings1781: (Default)
The Good:

Finished Into the Lion's Den save an epilogue that I am going to write tomorrow. I decided tonight that it needed one to wrap it up a bit, and segway into Part 2 which will be written December.

Finished the first book in the Legend trilogy by Marie Lu. A full review to be written on Bubblews tomorrow I will link it here. I ended up with a Day muse from that novel... lol. Day is a vigilante who is wanted by the Republic... blah blah blah... you'll have to wait for the review.

Started Magisterium #1: The Iron Trial by Cassandra Clare and Holly Black! (That right there is the best part of my day as these two, as anyone who knows me will know, are my favorite authors! And they finally collaborated on a series. My dynamic duo!) These are geared towards children 8-12, but the length is like 300+ pages. Plus, that's not really justifying anything. I read all the Potters and have read my share of Percy Jackson novels. LOL. I never really cared for the division of book appropriateness by age anyway, except maybe things that contain a large amount of sex or cursing in them. THOSE should be kept away from younger readers, definitely.

I got a Maze Runner book called The Guide to the Glade. I think this book will help me with my writing of the fanfiction plot bunny I'm dealing with. But it also has *very* sexy picutres of Minho, Thomas, and Newt. So....BONUS

The Bad:

Got home to the power being out. Seemed to have been a tripped breaker. Mom fixed it.

Daddy C and Mom are fighting again, mostly over stupid klunk. I am really sick of this crap. I don't care anymore that he's having pain. He's made me NOT care by the way he's been acting. Been treating me and Mom like klunk since he's been in pain. That's ridiculous.

SO this has whole thing has ruined my entire day. Despite all the good things that happened today, I'm still on edge, I feel like klunk, and I'm tired of his jacked ways.

Trivia: Jonathan, Christien and Andrew were named after various people. Jonathan was named after my Chris' imaginary friend. Christien was named after Christian Kane. Andrew was named after the Voice actor Andrew Ranells who did several voices for Yu gi oh including Mako Tsunami, Noa Kaiba and Leon Von Schroeder. Espa Jacob was named as such because I couldn't think of oanything else, and I decided that in the history, that Marcia Roba told Espa he could name his baby brother since he was upset cause he'd ewanted a sister. So Espa named the baby after himself. He goes by Ej, the nickname given to him by the foster home he and his brothers Jonathan, Christien and Andrew were placed in. (Reference: Brothers's Keeper, written by me!)
faeriewings1781: (Default)
Okay, I'm not really sure when I started on my re-vamp of Into the Lion's Den, so I can't give a time frame, but I know since the time I started it that I've been craving carnie food. Mostly it's because the majority of the story has taken place at Pryce's Carnival of Wonders, the Robas' home, and livelihood. Tori has mentioned funnel cake so much!

My starting of Into the Lion's Den happened to coincide with the start of the Maryland State Fair. So I've been harassing my mom to get me a real funnel cake and a sausage and peppers sandwich. She was there for a couple of days working with her company, CellularSales through Verizon. So she was there plenty of times.

Tonight, I finally got some! It was so so so good. My Victoria muse and I are very happy people. But that wasnt' the only carnie thing that happened. Mom bought corn dogs the other day, and holy crap when you're craving a specific type of food.... lol!

Trivia: Victoria has had several last names. In Snake in the Grass her full name is Victoria Madison Carter. In Return to Me, she has the full name of Victoria Madison Johnson. Entrapment finds her officially adopted by the Ishtars, making her official name: Victoria Madison Ishtar, even though Duke Devlin allegedly had papers stating that she had a named changed Victoria Devlin. (In an unpublished blurb, Victoria has a vision where she sees her name in the paper as Victoria Roba, indicating that Christien and Tori eventually DO tie the knot).

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