faeriewings1781: (Default)
So you know how you can live with someone for years and years and think things are fine? Ha. That's an illusion. I once told Kay that my family and I were very close and didn't have any problems. Guess what? I lied. Okay, I didn't lie, perse. I just didn't know how bad things were. Mom and Daddy C. Oh, whoops. CAL had done such a good job at not arguing in front of me. Well, tonight a lot of shit came out about how Cal really feels about me and Daniel. And it was much more painful than I ever thought I could feel.

Hazel Grace Lancaster in the Fault in Our Stars was often asked on a scale of 1-10 how she rated her pain. When Augustus died, she admitted that she had been saving her "10". Well, I must have been saving my 10, too. I am in SO much pain right now. The sheer amount of hurtful things he said to Mom about me and Daniel....I would have never guessed he actually felt that way towards me.

I guess I should probably start by saying that the argument, as usual, started out being about Daniel. Daniel couldn't handle the job at Wal-Mart, and was fired. Personally, I don't think he can keep a job. Every job he's had he's lost within a month for stupid reasons. It's always Daniel, and never anyone else. I am beginning to feel that Daniel may be one of the every three people that can't hold a job due to his ADHD and Anxiety. Cal doesn't want to face up to that. And I know Mom doesn't either, but that's just a theory I have. I'm not a doctor, so I am not saying that's really the case. But I digress.

This led to a huge blow up between Mom and Cal because Daniel didn't talk to Cal today like he said he wa going to. Mom didn't want to be in the middle of them anymore, and honestly, I get it. Daniel's twenty years old. He should be able to talk to Cal about what really happened. But the way Cal handled things...ugh.

Usually when they start arguing, I tune out. But I already had a pretty bad headache so I had turned off my music, and didn't have time to turn it back on before the yelling and accusations started. I also found out how Nick (Cal's son) really feels about us. He tolerates us. What the fuck. After EVERYTHING I did to promote his band. After he bought me the ukelele... and after I named one of my core characters in my first ever novel after him, and based his character on him! What. The Fuck. I am so....ugh. I can't even right now. I am having a really hard time processing all of this.

There is also Cal himself. He basically said that me and Daniel were not welcome to come to Florida with him and Mom, KNOWING I cannot live by myself. And said things like, "What you want them both hanging off your tits till you're 80?" and basically gave Mom an ultimatum, which really pissed me off because Tom (my first stepfather) did the same thing.

Yet, the thing that hurt the most for me was that he doesn't want to be called Daddy C anymore. He doesnt' want to be anyone's Daddy. I've been calling him that for almost a decade. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

The good news is that Baymax is on his way to me, and that will help, greatly.
faeriewings1781: (Default)
So last night I wrote about the gift I knew I was getting. This morning, I'd like to first and foremost wish everyone a Merry Christmas! This year is turning out to be not so bad after all. But first, lets talk about the things that happened after the presents.

Daniel went out. Yes, that's right. He went out on a night that is purely meant for the family. But! His car went up on his way home. Which means that he had to abandon it near his friend's house. He's okay though, which is good. He more than made up for the going out thing by actually inviting me to try a new show with him.

We watched two episodes of American Horror Story: Coven (which is Season 3 of the show). I am seriously hooked now. Thankfully I had enough sense to go to bed. Today is going to be fairly busy. But I couldn't get over it. Normally, he doesn't ask me to do anything with him, but last night... I was so happy. I mean, I guess I would've been even more ecstatic if he had put Bandit's cage together, but I'll take what I can get. I really enjoyed the quality time with him yesterday, to be honest.

This morning, we put the cage together right away, and Bandit seems to be enjoying the room he now has to run around. He does seem a bit freaked out by the large size! Haha. But I didn't notice how big my furbaby was getting!! He is LONG. He is definitely no longer a baby. He's going to be 2 in February, I think. (Why do all my pets end up with February birthidays...??) But I am going to be posting pictures of everything Christmas sometime this week. Belated, yes, but that's me! LOL.

Okay, I am off to listen to a Christmas present from my friend Kay. She sent me two Fall Out Boy CDs (for download) so now I don't have to listen to the same two songs of theirs over and over. LOL.
faeriewings1781: (Default)
This time last year was fairly quiet. But this year, it's kinda bittersweet. I know that my best friend Lexi will be without her mother, and even though I had stopped calling on Christmas morning because I never knew what they were doing at any one time.

Today, though, the family will be able to celebrate with the knowledge that the monster behind the tragedy is being held accountable for his actions. The sentencing isn't until March, but I am satisfied knowing that he will be on House arrest until then, and that he has a $5,000 bond, too. I'll take that. It's something.

Tonight the family is going to exchange gifts. We won't have much. In fact, Bandit actually got the gift instead of me. He is getting a large, 3-story ferret cage. I am glad he is getting this because he actually outgrew his other one last year, and I could not get 100.00 together in one sitting. :( So Mommy and Daddy C bought him one for me. I am so happy. I don't mind giving him my gift this year. He has earned it.

Daniel is actually awake, and spending time with people in the family today. This is also a great Christmas gift for me. <3 I'm excited that he is. I do know what he physically bought me, but I'm not upset about being spoiled. I won't reveal it here until I actually get it, but it is something I asked him for last year that I didn't get. But then again last year's Christmas was kinda sucky on all accounts, the family time notwithstanding.

This year is sure to be much better all around. Mom and Daddy C are pretty much out of the hole financially, and I was able to shop for everyone that I wanted to shop for. And plus, next Tuesday, Lexi and Sara will be here, and that makes me very happy! <3
faeriewings1781: (Default)
So I haven't written a real entry in here in ages, and I'm sorry about that. I mostly don't do writing when all I'm going to do is whine about personal stuff. But I need some where to put some of this pent up stress, so here it goes.

I am greatly worried about my brother Daniel. He has been living with "depression" for almost 2 months. And I put it in quotes because I'm honestly not sure if he's truly depressed or using it as a cover to be allowed to sleep all day knowing that Daddy C won't push him for fear of driving him to suicide. But either way. Things are not right with this boy (yes, boy, even though he is 20). He's staying up all night, sleeping all day, and putting his family second yet again. It's to the point Mom doesn't even want to give him money for Christmas shopping, because she's afraid he'll spend it on Weed.

Yes that is something he does. He has gotten pretty bad about it ever since Cellular Sales let him go over a technicality. He'll be back there again in April, but that's a long time not to do anything. -sigh- I just don't really know what to do, or if I can really do anything, to be honest.

All I know is it is putting a strain on Mom and Cal's marriage, and that's making me feel anxious, and I don't do good with anxiety. And at least I've gotten to the point where I'm not wanting to throw up every time things get tense. (Thank you, Remeron!) But I just... this is the freakin' holidays! Things shouldn't be this intense, and strained right now. Or ever, but especially not right now.

Not to mention, the trial is going on for the accident that took my second mother away from last year, so I'm stressing about that, and trying to hold it together for Lexi, and that family. I can't be strong for both families, though, and eventually, I am expecting a breakdown. If I don't get it, then I will thank my medicine some more, because it really has helped a lot.

The holidays are depressing for me sometimes now because of the losses I've suffered. My grandparents are all gone, I lost my best best friend almost 2 years ago (my cat, Murphy. And yes even though he is "just an animal" he really was my baby, and I loved him dearly. )And now Mama Kat is gone, too, and it just feels like the loss is never ending.

If I could ever figure out how to put pictures in this thing, I would put some of hte ones of Baymax I have been drawing. He just needs to be experienced by anyone who is suffering or in pain. That kind of pain is really hard to come to terms with. Baymax does a great job of healing Hiro in the movie Big Hero 6. I just want to snuggle him dearly.


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September 2016



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